Dzien dobry! (Don’t worry about repeating it – just nod politely). So you want to be Polish? You crazy foreigners and your ideas. As if occupation by Russians, Prussians, Austro-Hungarians, Nazis and communists wasn’t enough, the moment Poles get rid of everybody, now everybody wants to copy them just for fun? Have a shot of vodka – you’ll need it.
1. “How am I??”
When somebody idly greets you with the phrase “How are you?”, look at them with a slightly confused expression on your face and reply with a non-sequitur “Thank you”. Consider explaining all your medical problems in detail, but don’t feel you have to.
2. Pretend John Paul II is still the Pope.
You’ve never heard of those other guys.
3. Observe about 10 extra national holidays a year.
All Saint’s Day, Polish Independence Day, Corpus Christi, etc, etc. It doesn’t matter if you know what any of these are or not, it’s your right as a fake Pole to get those days off work.
4. Casually tell people “I preferred it when Bronek had a moustache.”
Poland’s president, Bronislaw Komorowski, got rid of his trademark tash near the end of 2013 and it’s been dividing opinion ever since.
5. Claim you go mushroom picking every year.
You will have to avoid walks in woods with people so that you never have to prove your knowledge.
6. Act like you assume Russians will try to take back half the country.
Russia had everything east of the River Vistula for a while, and they might want it back. This is what Poland gets for occupying Moscow for two years 400 years ago.
7. Act like you assume Germans will try take back the other half.
Poles love that sausage and beer culture, but they’re not keen on any of the other stuff – you’ll never see a Pole in lederhosen.
8. Try to eat pickled herring.
This is mandatory for any country touching the Baltic. For authenticity, add raw onion and a worried expression. Have a shot of vodka immediately after each bite – suddenly it’ll taste fantastic.
9. Dress in black and grey.
If you’re a woman, wear a mohair beret and a huge oversized scarf. If you’re a man, wear a leather jacket and grow a moustache – or simply ask for a grade 1 all over next time you’re at the barber’s.
10. Convince people you’re really Catholic.
Don’t worry about going to church or anything else though. Just tell people your parish is on the other side of town – they don’t know it but it gives great Mass.
11. Make food and then put it into jars.
Anything really, but jams are best. Give these as presents to people who don’t really eat jam. (Be warned: you need a plentiful supply of jars to do this and we have no idea where Poles get them from).
(Main image by Adam Smok)
