Parents of infants: we feel for you, we really do. You barely sleep, you have no time to yourself, and you have to wipe up baby poo several times a day. People without babies understand your struggle and admire your resilience in the face of these small dependents sucking up all your money and lifeblood. Even the airlines feel bad for you, with many allowing your infant to travel for free for thousands of miles out of sheer pity.
That being said, although we empathise, we certainly don’t want to have to deal with that type of nonsense ourselves. Most of the time, we can easily avoid your children by sprinting away at full speed, but on flights, we’re forced to confront the deep dread and exhaustion from that bundle of noise that’s making you question if snot-nosed progeny really was the point of it all.
Here we’ve listed 8 ways to deal with babies on flights, in the chronological order in which you should attempt them.
1. Bring Earplugs With You
You may not end up needing them, but you’ll be ecstatic to realise you have some on you when you see a baby threatening passengers at the departure gate.
2. Offer Parents Some Help
If you have a lovely singing voice, perhaps you could offer to sing a lullaby. At the very least, offer the parent an understanding ear. Hopefully the baby will hear how tough the parent’s circumstances are and they’ll quieten down in shame. If a parent is happy, their baby will often mirror their happiness.
3. Take Some Really Strong Pills
Sleeping pills are preferred but any will do – even if they technically do nothing, assume they will and the placebo effect will sort you out. They don’t have to be prescription, but do try keeping it legal. If you don’t have any on you, just nervously ask everybody around you with the words: “Who’s got some pills? C’mon, don’t hold out me, guys. I’m good for it, I swear.”
4. Reason With the Baby
A somewhat ambitious solution, but give it a go. Just calmly undo your seatbelt and walk confidently over to where the baby is sprawled out and yelling. Say “Excuse me,” as all polite people should, and then explain to the child that other people, perhaps hundreds depending on the plane model, are being forced to endure their screams. The child will react in one of two ways.
Firstly, and the most likely, is that the baby will stare blankly at you, pretending it doesn’t comprehend your words, all in an effort to psyche you out. If this is the case, lean in and repeat yourself more loudly.
The second possible reaction, which is admittedly rare, is that the infant will retort with “But mother says a problem shared is a problem halved,” and then wryly wink at you. If that’s the case, you may actually be dealing with a super-intelligent criminal mastermind, and your best course of action is to slowly walk away backwards whilst muttering “Yes, yes, of course, sharing… What a clever baby you are.”
5. Start an Embarrassing Rumour About the Baby
If you get enough people talking behind its back, the crushing shame will cajole the baby into ceasing its attention-seeking lest some other rumour begins to circulate. A popular rumour include questioning the legitimacy of their birth certificate.
6. Bribe the Flight Crew to Babysit the Baby
Note that this method requires a particularly weak-willed attendant and enough money so that they never have to work again.
7. Start Mirroring the Baby’s Screaming Patterns and Yell Like Crazy
If the baby has any self-awareness, and they certainly won’t, then you’d think they ought to be taken aback by the cold harsh mirror your screams provoke. Even if the baby doesn’t quieten down and actually increases its screams under the assumption that you want to have a shouting competition (babies love those), you will at the very least be administering some very satisfying primal scream therapy to the anguish you feel from being stuck on a plane with a screaming baby.
8. Stop Being a Baby and Just Deal With It
Sometimes babies cry. Sometimes they’re radiant with joy and wonder. You can’t control what will happen, but, unlike a baby, you can control your reactions and interpretations. If you can’t do that, then who’s the bigger baby here?
Featured image by Lars Plougmann
