Ha Long Bay in Vietnam (photographed, above, by rapidacid) is the country’s number one tourist spot. This stunning area of limestone cast formations is a UNESCO World Heritage site and a visit there is practically mandatory if you’re visiting Vietnam.
There’s a bewildering range of companies that offer the tour but, in all honesty, it makes little difference which one you choose as most of them have the same itinerary. “Then tell us what that bloomin’ itinerary involves,” I hear you scream. Read on.
Day 1
First off, you’ll get in a coach to Ha Long Bay. Maybe you’re in a private car, with your airs and graces, but either way, you’re going to have a bumpy ride. The road is littered with potholes and is seemingly in a constant state of being fixed to no avail. On the way, you’ll make a stop-off in a textile and painting shop surrounded by statutes. You will consider buying some things but you won’t, and instead you’ll just use their toilet. You’ll get to the port around midday, because, well that’s when everybody gets there. A short wait in the terminal and you’ll get shown to your boat.
Your boat is going to look like all the other boats. It’ll be white and run down. Not long ago, the ruling government demanded that all boats in Ha Long Bay were painted white and that all staff that work on them also wear white. These rules are arbitrary and nobody really understands them.
You may have seen boats in the pamphlets with big pretty sails, but you’ll see a hundred boats today, and maybe one will have sails. Your room on the boat will be really small and possibly a little bit damp, but everybody on board will be nice and you’ll eat well so you won’t mind. The air-con will be loud.
After your first meal, you’ll be taken to the Surprising Cave. The most surprising thing is the huge number of other tourists here. You have to get off the boat because they’re on a tight schedule and your boat has to move away to let another one approach the pier. You’ll go on a walk of about 40 minutes before you meet your boat again at another pier.
Most of this time will be spent in a queue through an impressive series of caverns full of stalactites and stalagmites. The tour guides will point out some formations and claim they look like animals. You’ll squint and sheepishly agree. When you get to the stalagmite that looks like a penis, the tour guide will make about ten jokes about it. You will roll your eyes.
Once your 40 minutes is up, you’ll be hurried along to Ti Top, a small pretty island with a strictly-designated swimming area. You’ll have 30 minutes here, so you better make the most of it – swimming is discouraged in most places in Ha Long Bay.
The space cordoned off for swimming is about the size of your average public swimming, but there’s a beach volleyball space if you fancy joining a game instead. If you want to sit on a bench, it’ll cost you a dollar, so just sit in the bar if you need a seat.
Every so often a loudspeaker in the trees will herald some random Vietnamese announcements – you won’t know what these mean, and none of the Vietnamese people will react to them either, so you can just ignore them.
After going back to your boat, you’ll be given a lifejacket and get in a smaller boat to be taken to a kayaking area. This is probably the best part of the whole day. Get into the kayaks in pairs and just paddle about the peaceful rocks. By this point, it’ll probably be around sunset and floating on the water watching the sun disappear will be magical. Watch out for speedboats though.
After your allotted 45 minutes, it’s back to your boat and time for dinner. You’ll eat loads but will be a little annoyed that you have to pay for drinks separately.
After dinner, you’ll be invited to do karaoke. You will probably do this, and you’ll hopefully sing Spice Girls tunes. If you chose the company known as the party boat, your singing will be punctuated with a lot of alcohol shots and you may not remember going to bed.
If you’re on a normal boat, some people will go to sleep early and those left will mainly watch the crew sing a few Vietnamese classics instead.
Day 2
The next day, you have to eat breakfast at 7:30am. If you had a late night, you will not be happy about this. If you chose the one-night option, you’ll slowly make your way back to the port after breakfast. You probably stop somewhere on the way, but you’ll definitely be back on land around midday.
If you chose the two-night option, you will have had to pack your bags and will probably be moved to another boat. The other boat will take you to Cat Ba Island, the large island that takes up much of Ha Long Bay. There you’ll be taken to Cat Ba National Park and made to trek up a small mountain. There will be mosquitoes everywhere and as you climb you’ll curse yourself for not staying at the café at the bottom – that is until you see the stunning view at the top of jungle-topped formations spread out as far as the eyes can see.
You’ll then be taken to your hotel in the pretty port of Cat Ba Town for lunch. There will be so much food you might not have the strength to join the afternoon tour of Monkey Island, but the name will make you want to go. You will try to see monkeys, but you probably won’t.
In the evening, you will go drinking around Cat Ba Town. You will end up at Rose Bar because nothing else seems to stay open, but it’s always happy hour there and you’ll have fun.
Day 3
You will have to eat breakfast at 7:30am again. You will want to murder everybody out of sheer tiredness, but you’ll get through it. Over the next few hours, you’ll slowly make your way off the island, back through the bay, into the port and onto the coach. You will get back to Hanoi around 5pm. You will welcome sleep.
Summary
Definitely do a tour. The scenery is enchanting and you’re sure to have fun with the people you meet. But be aware that the variation between the tour companies is all much of a muchness and you really shouldn’t be spending more than between $100 and $120 – if you’re paying more than this, you pretty much ought to be entitled to your own boat.
For the more anti-social who might be put off by the large number of other tourists everywhere, try the nearby but less famous Bai Tu Long Bay for something a bit more private.
